Zzzzzzz.....

I am a terrible mother in the middle of the night. Izzy used to sleep so good. I went back to work exactly six weeks after having him, and that night, he slept from midnight till 5 a.m., which is technically through the night. But for the last month or two, he's horrible to even get to sleep, and once there, he's up at least once, normally twice, during the night, and pretty much always he ends up in our bed. He started screaming at 1:00 last night, so I went in and stroked his face, told him it was ok, yada, yada, yada. He would NOT stop crying. So I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was in full melt-down mode, so I picked him up and rocked him. I was so angry with him. I'm rocking him and rocking him, and he lets out a plaintive little whimper every now and then, and then he burped. I felt TERRIBLE. Poor little baby just had gas and felt bad. So I lay him back down and he curls up on his side, sleeping peacefully. I tip-toe to the door, and WHAM! The screaming starts back up full force. Tried to not pick him up again, but he's wailing like I tore the head off his Baby Elmo. Which I was tempted to do.

So I picked him up and took him to our bed. At 2 a.m. That's just ridiculous. He should be sleeping, but Chris and I should also stop sending him mixed signals. Are we doing Ferber or Sears? Are we going to try to let him cry it out on his own, or just embrace the family bed? I am just so freaking tired. Chris is tired, too, but he doesn't ever get up with Izzy during the week. He told me shortly after I went back to work and tried to get him to take his turn with the rare night wakings, "If you make me get up with the baby, I'm going to wreck on my way to Parkersburg and kill myself, and it will be all your fault." Honest to God, that's an exact quote. His commute is about an hour and fifteen minutes, and it IS boring, but give me a break.

When I got up at 1, I turned on this little bedside lamp that has three settings - the first one is night-light-like. I bring the poor little guy to bed, and I wake up Chris, so he won't roll over on him during the night. But to turn off the light, you have to turn it up to the other two higher settings. It's a touch lamp. And the brighter light of each setting irritated not only Izzy, but Chris too. But did I feel bad? NO. I'm terrible.

God bless patient mothers and wives, and please grant me even a teeny bit of their ability to calmly and lovingly cope. YAWN...