You probably want to just skip this rambling post.

I watched LA Ink tonight, on TLC, and one of the women coming in for a tattoo had her baby's picture put on her upper arm. The baby had died of SIDS, and she wanted him on her arm not only to be close to her heart all of the time, but to have him always where she used to cradle him. I cried along with her when she saw the results - those tattoo artists are phenomenal, and that little baby was captured beautifully.

I didn't use to cry at things like this, but just the thought of losing one of my kids tears me up now. I can only imagine that woman's pain, and I pray that I never truly comprehend it.

I keep thinking that I'd love to have another baby (Freudian slip: I typed boy instead of baby the first time, but I'm pretty sure that's because Sophie's a challenge and not because I want a young boyfriend) even though I vividly remember the constant sickness I had while pregnant, and then the crappy recovery with Sophie. It's not that I'm crazy, this desire for another little one, it's that I also remember the heart-wrenching moments: Izzy kissing Sophie as soon as he saw her for the first time, the feel of a warm baby melting into my arms, nuzzling sweet little baby heads as they contentedly nursed....I love babies.

But I'm just now, for the first time in five years, experiencing a full night's rest more often than not. That's no small achievement. I'm not worried about SIDS anymore, but I do still worry when the kids sleep in a little bit. But the whole time I was pregnant, I was worried about something happening to the baby, and we've been beyond blessed to have never experienced that pain. But it wasn't long after Izzy arrived that it hit me like a ton of bricks how vulnerable he was, now that he wasn't protected inside of me. I spent many sleepless nights listening for his breathing in the bassinet beside me. I jerked awake so many times when I couldn't hear him.

Chris and I are very aware of how lucky we are, and he especially doesn't want to jinx that. Truly, I can't blame him, and I think it's actually pretty selfish of me to even consider more kids when we've hit the jackpot twice.

Ugh. Sorry for the boring, rambling post. This is just something that I'm trying to work out in my head. Tell you what: let's start a campaign for Chris to get a vasectomy! Everyone on board with me??