What to do, what to do.

Here I am, maybe just four weeks pregnant, although I think it's five, with 90% of the pregnancy to go, but Chris is already on my back about making plans on what to do after the baby comes. Here's my dilemma: I LOVE being with Izzy, and I don't get nearly enough time with him. But I have a really good job, especially for WV, and I'll never make this much again. I still want to quit maybe a couple of weeks before the new baby get here. Chris was laid off for a year, and we did fine. I am really good with our budget, and I know that we'll figure it out later.

But give me a freakin' break! Chances are still high that this early in the pregnancy, it might not stick. Then all the discussions/arguments are for naught. I'm saying let's take it easy and enjoy the next couple of months, get me through the first trimester, THEN we'll start planning. Can I get an Amen??

Anyhow, I do love my little guy so much. He's a riot. He'll do anything to make us laugh. This evening we had dinner at my mom's, Izzy and me. I went home early because I am not feeling good - in fact, I'll be going to bed shortly, and it's just a little after 9 - and took a little nap on her waterbed. When I woke up, she had made us potato soup - yummo! She had already fed Izzy a bowl before my little sister came and woke me up, so he was sitting in his high chair happily munching on a piece of ham mom had chopped up for him. He was getting full, and so he started to play. He would look at me until he caught my eye, then he'd bonk his head on the tray and look up quickly to make sure I was looking. Then he'd crack up, so I'd crack up, and he'd do it all over again.

I rescued him from the high chair, because I didn't want to see him with a permanent wrinkle across his forehead, and I sat him on the table before me. He took a small handful of my hair from each side of my face, and gently tugged on it, pulling my face close to his, then boom, a big ol' kiss on the lips. That's something I never thought I'd do either, but he doesn't give us much choice, and we love those kisses! He did it over and over, then he pulled my head against his forehead for a moment. I love it when he does that. It just feels like we're bonding so tightly, like all of his being and all of my being just flow into each other's thoughts. I'm deeply moved, and he pulls his forehead away from mine, then, looking intently in my eyes, proceeds to bonk me repeatedly in the head with his head. I sigh, and bonk back, and I'm rewarded with a splitting headache and heartwarming laughter.

My little sister, the youngest of us three girls, said to me tonight, jokingly, "Do you think you'll love the next one as much as you love Izzy?"

"No," I told her, looking at mom, "Because you love each consecutive kid just a little bit less, right mom?" Mom and Dad thought that was pretty funny, and Crystal cracked up too. But they all know, as do I, that I will. Each of them has told me numerous times that they are astonished at how easily I've taken to motherhood, and at what a good job I'm doing with little-man. It sounds a little mean of them, but it's not, because I was a little worried about it too.

Until I had Izzy, I was pretty cold, keeping my feelings wrapped up pretty tightly. Now I'm a big weepy mess, and these pregnancy hormones just make it worse. But I LOVE being a mom. I can't convince anyone how much I mean that, but it's the truth. I knew I would love my son, but I could never have dreamed how much. This is starting to sound awfully corny, so I think I better just hit the sack.

I've done pretty good about not dwelling on the sick babies, but please pray for Allie's family tonight. They've stopped all of her medicines but the pain killers, and they think the leukemia has moved into her brain. Pray for their comfort and peace. And maybe a miracle.