Letting go.

If you've read this blog for a while, you'll remember the families whose children had cancer that we prayed and hoped for, but both babies, Allie and Ben, died. I still read their websites now and then to see how they're doing, and as you can imagine, their pain is still vivid, but both families will be having new babies soon.

But I read something so disturbing on Allie's website - one of the people that the mom had talked to lost both of their kids to brain tumors within the same year - and the children were, I believe, 7 and 11. How tragic...and terrifying. Then I clicked on a website for a little boy they are praying for, who was diagnosed with cancer at 3 and has been fighting it for the last two years, with an ungodly number of surgeries to remove new tumors after they thought the poor thing was in remission.

My heart breaks for any mother who suffers while her child suffers. I hope, as I'm sure most mothers do, that I NEVER EVER feel that pain. But man, oh man, do I ever worry about it. It's not a constant or debilitating worry, but it flashes up unbidden several times a day.

If they sleep longer than normal, my mind is swamped with terrible thoughts. If they act like they are having pain somewhere, I instantly have terrible thoughts. If I am ecstatically happy, I have terrible thoughts that something could happen to change my happiness. I worry every single time one of them is out of my sight that something will happen and it will be my fault because I let them go.

The other night Chris and I were watching some show and one of the characters said something along the lines that guilt over not fixing things in other's lives stems from a sense that you are all powerful. Chris and I exchanged a glance and laughed. That is so me to a tee. In fact, I just re-read what I wrote: guilt over NOT fixing things. Should have probably read: guilt over not being ABLE to fix things!! I have no problem whatsoever with my self esteem, although my self-confidence has taken a licking since the lay-off.

I think that's the scariest thing about being a mom: COMPLETE lack of control. You can do your best to follow all the rules, and BAM - your life, and your child's, can change in an instant. AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I need to learn to just let go of the worry over things that I can not possibly change. Especially things that probably will never happen. But I won't [can't]. I guess that's just the sucky part of motherhood.