My kids exhaust me. But I love it.

Last night Sophie was up every hour and a half to two hours. But tonight she went down very easily, just like she used to, and she hasn't cried out any, so I might catch up on some zzz's tonight! Or maybe not. I have no idea why my kids sleep so bad. *says the idiot who doesn't go to bed until the middle of the night*

But, and you may not know this, I surely do love these two. Izzy and I have so much fun, and now Sophie is starting to enjoy us too. Izzy and I like to dance around, usually every day, and Sophie laughs along with us. (Note I didn't say "at" us.) I have a great life. I just have to keep reminding myself that when I'm tossing in the washer yet another pair of pee-soaked toddler shorts, or I'm falling asleep in the rocking chair while nursing Sophie for the fifth time of the night.

It's hard to describe how tough the job of SAHM is without sounding like it sucks. And it most certainly does sometimes, but usually it rocks. Although there are times that I just want the screaming to stop (not saying whether I mean theirs or mine), I am so lucky that I can pick either of my kids up and hug them whenever I want. This time last year I was not so lucky.

Being a working mother is also horribly difficult. Sure, there's that nice 8 or 9 hour break from your kids each work day *deep sigh as I remember the peace and quiet* and all the money is nice too. But I missed Izzy so bad it was painful at times. My arms just ached to hold him. I was looking for a picture from last Halloween and I came across pics of a baby Izzy up at my office when my sister had brought him up for a visit. It broke my heart.

The shot was over my shoulder, of a beautiful, smiling, about five month old Izzy in my arms, kind of leaning on my desk. In the background, softly out of focus you see three of four pictures of Izzy on my desk, and a couple on the walls. For most of Izzy's babyhood, that's what I was looking at. I wasn't getting to deeply inhale his sweet baby scent, which is now long gone. I wasn't getting to stroke those impossibly fat baby thighs any time I wanted - thighs which all too quickly have lengthened into the long slim legs wearing size 4T pj's that I just tucked back into bed.

The picture made me sad because I missed so much of his babyhood. And I was acutely aware every minute of the day of what I was missing. But he is now a very outgoing, secure and confident child that seems to relate easily to other people and kids. I really think that by him spending time with my mom and sister, both of whom kept him, he was able to develop a healthy sense of individuality. I do not think that my working hurt HIM at all. As for me, that's a different story.

How will Izzy and Sophie be different when they're older? Will I be able to see a difference in them that can be attributed to my working/staying home while they were infants? I think I already do - Sophie is a big mama's girl. I have to admit, I kind of like it. Sometimes. But wanting to always be in my arms is a pain in the butt when I'm trying to get things done. I know, I know, she'll only be a baby for a little while. But we still have to eat.

But will she be a clingy, dependent type adult? I hope not. I have always been fiercely independent, and I hope my kids will be too. Of course there are no easy answers to the eternal work/stay at home debate for mothers. But I'm in a unique position of having done both. Truthfully, I really enjoyed working. I missed Izzy deeply, but that was just normal life for me then. But I had no idea what I was missing. I loved working. I loved never losing my patience with Izzy because I treasured every minute I had with him. I really loved not having to make many tough financial decisions, because we both made good money.

But now I really, REALLY love spending all this time with my kids. Really.

Well, usually.